When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.