How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Okay me first
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: