“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.