Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Not even remotely sorry.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that