My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”