Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
happy friday
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.