When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
For the ones in the back.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.