The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
These are my roll models.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
In case you needed to hear it:
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.