Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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S U I N G ✅
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?