me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
This is always good for a laugh.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
#NeverForget