Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
the last thing a carrot sees
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.