The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Fries, not lies.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
This a good idea
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition