[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point