I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.