50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.