do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Netflix: We have Less
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
scared to check what name she chose
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.