I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded