I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh