Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
What about a To-Don’t List?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.