I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Sorry. Not sorry
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes