I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?