People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
yall want some gasoline milk
My flabber has been gasted.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.