My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist