It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.