[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.