dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I can’t deal with men any longer
#Caturday
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire