(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.