I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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just left a huge legacy in there
Schrödinger’s cookie
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Good point.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol