Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
gm
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]