ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
You Might Also Like
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth