I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
the three genders
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.