My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I think my mom just blocked me
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.