You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You Might Also Like
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.