Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.