All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it