Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.