My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved