told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You Might Also Like
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Worst perfume name ever.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.