Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Ken is short for chicken
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude