If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When ur friends with white people
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.