*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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Today’s Times
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
and this one
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.