I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I unironically love this joke.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.