My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I get distracted pretty eas
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.