Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
yeah not falling for this one
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this