9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Every house has this drawer
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
this is one of the funniest videos of all time