Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
this isn’t threatening at all
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
That’s amazing.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Dating Tips
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4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.