Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
can I use a minion as a tampon
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
me, after any kind of buffet.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”