Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
pizza
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Cats (2019)
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans