A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.