I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.